The hilarity of retarded Groupon ad copy
Who the fuck writes this shit? You couldn’t make it up. I get these Groupon emails through every day and the copy on them is definitely written by a frustrated wannabe novelist, or some clever clever English teacher who thinks she’s being terribly funny while the whole classroom just wished she’d fuck off and die. Seriously, this is a massive company sending out millions of emails every day for some pretty important clients, how come no one has waved the red flag yet? Shocking.
Here are the first lines of text from each promotion:
‘Before sandpaper was invented, ancient Greeks would launch hourglasses at marble in a hope to sculpt the figure.’
No they didn’t.
‘Before the invention of the scooter, giant trails of hopscotch squares encouraged slow strollers to pick up the pace.’
No they didn’t.
‘Unlike trouser pockets and pitta pockets, poolpockets don’t take well to salad and spare change, preferring to spend their time concocting elaborate escape plans.’
This is untrue.
‘Unlike humans, who require air, water, and humus in order to survive, electronic equipment only requires a plug socket and humus.’
This is also completely untrue. Electronic equipment in no way needs humus anywhere near it.
‘Hitting the hay is a popular pursuit among dogs, who find the soft texture a lot kinder to their paws.’
I’ve owned a dog, and it was completely meh about hay.
‘A good sofa offers comfort, stability and a reliable arm to cry on, much like a long-term domestic partner or an Ancient Egyptian mummy.’
I’ve never used my sofa as an ancient Egyption mummy substitute.
‘Before albums were invented, photos had to be safely tucked away under people’s pillows, or pickled in vacuum-sealed jars.’
I must admit, I have accidentally put a few old photographs in a cheese sandwich mistaking them for pickles. Not.
Please can someone explain wtf Groupon is up to. This copy sounds like it’s written by the CEO’s wife who’s a second grade English teacher.
It’s not funny, cute or clever. It’s just wrong!
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